thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Quick, to the slutcave!
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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