wrigley field is MILF paradise
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
