so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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