WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
