Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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