I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
