yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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