Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize