so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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