turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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