Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
