Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
