Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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