shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
