no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
