I wish I only lived at night.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
