i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
