I'm so fucking centered right now
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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