no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
