your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
