he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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