I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
