We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
