dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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