Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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