someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
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