cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
did i just pee glitter
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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