We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
