If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
