I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Soap is not a condiment
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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