No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
