he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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