My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
