Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
