You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
