Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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