i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
