Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
