I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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