Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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