Are we in a gay sports bar?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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