i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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