is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
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i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?