i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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