Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.