god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
