Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
