I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
