My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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