i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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