God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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