so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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