wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
