Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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