allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
