I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
